Wednesday, February 18, 2009

New Beginning

I've kind of been in hiding since the new year. I just needed to take the time to reprioritize and readjust to my reality. First, the Lord took one person from me this year and allowed another to enter into the world...very theraputic and provided closure. I started looking at myself and those around me in a new light and gained a new perspective. I finally let the ex-factor be the ex-factor. No more late night creeps, home cooked meals or any other girlfriend privledges. It felt good to take all that away and save it for someone that's worth it. I think we'll be able to be friends at some point but for now I have to keep my distance to keep my sanity.

Last week my bf came over to spend some much needed time with me. Before we could really get too comfortable with each other, he decided he was going to help me clean my roommate free living room and downstairs bathroom. With him doing most of the work and me going thru two month old mail, I decided I would have to make this up to him. I invited him, my female best friend, my favorite cousin and his best friend to Sunday dinner for the following week. I actually owed the 3 of them (excluding my cousin) dinner since I flaked on our dinner date 16 months prior.

I cooked, cleaned and provided ambiance for my "dinner guests." We ate, went through 5 bottles of wine and conversed about every topic possible. It was exactly what we all needed...good food, good company and good conversation...what could be better...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

What's Been Missing...

I felt like I had been searching for something that was just unattainable. It was such an empty feeling. And I tried my hardest to fill it with something anything...sex, drank, fire. I tried to surround myself with people so that I wouldn't feel...feel...alone. As soon as the ex-factor would leave, it was like I would no longer have any purpose...what was I supposed to do. So I made a suggestion to him and to myself...church. I mean I was raised in the church, raised to believe in God, sang in the children's choir for 6 years, attended Bible study, etc., etc. And as I got older and older, I lost that one connection that's most important in my life and I was in desperate need to get it back...
When I walked out of the sanctuary doors, it was as if I had been holding my breath under water for months and I finally came up for air...such a fresh breath of air. It felt like the whole lesson was directed at me...it sparked whatever in me needed to be sparked. I definitely had to make church a part of my weekly routine or at least continue to rebuild my relationship with the one above...

Thursday, January 1, 2009

50% Single

So myself and the ex-factor technically broke up in September but nothing has really changed between us. It's like we're together but we're not. I think the actual title put too much pressure on both of us and all we seemed to do was fight. We thought "taking a break" and giving each other that much needed space would somehow make our "relationship" stronger. The only thing was he didn't want me with anyone else and I felt the same...but the point of a break is to branch out and talk to other people. So one of our guidelines was no physical contact with another person but making money moves was acceptable and very crucial. It seemed almost fair to start considering myself 50% single. And he actually liked the idea of it too until he was back to his old ways and all of sudden he just seemed single...