Tuesday, December 30, 2008

A Sexier Me

So I returned from my trip last night and was met at the door by the ex-factor, who for the time I'll refer to as DADDI...lol...after last night, he definitely earned and deserves the title. As soon as we saw each other we hugged and kissed like it had been 10 years since we've seen each other instead of 10 days. His shirtless body covered me like a blanket and had me smiling from ear to ear all night. It felt good to see him, touch him and feel him. It felt good to feel wanted, missed, loved and appreciated. This wasn't how I felt before I left.
We sat in our favorite spot in the house while we talked about my family, the east coast and what he had been up to as we indulged in 3 fat treats...lol. We kept looking at each other smiling, sneaking in a kiss or two as the other one talked and passed our treats back and forth. Before long, it was time to take it to the bedroom. As soon as I took off my clothes, with the exception of my panties, he was all over me; kissing me, licking me, holding me and overall loving me. This is what I had been waiting for. He tongued, caressed and sucked my body like I was quenching his thirst on a hot summer night. Of course, I returned the gesture like I was auditioning for the leading role in a Hustler porno...I was that good...wink wink. Next, I positioned myself over him and felt him melt into me...the perfect fit...lol. It was like the first time all over again...I was so in love. We continued like that into the mid am hours. We did take a couple of breaks for tacos, talks and tv but the more we talked, the more we had to have each other...its like we returned to each other different people, which never happens when I go away. We woke up this morning and picked up where we left off and filling whatever emptiness was felt when we were apart. It was difficult to let it come to an end so he could go to work but I did and made me a little more appetizing. I lit all the candles, took a long hot bubble bath, followed by a long hot shower, shaved my body from underarms to ankles, crimped my hair, plucked my eyebrows, manicured and pedicured my hands and feet, and cooked lobster tails, homemade mashed potatoes and broccoli. He put it down so good, I'm a have to cook his dinner everyday until he pisses me off...real talk. But he is about to see and get a sexier me tonight...and I can't wait...

Saturday, December 27, 2008

It Ain't No Fun...

So I'm on the east coast for the Holidays visiting the fam. Its been hella coo; snow, 8 and 15 degree weather, a missed grandma, the best pizza and Chinese food, clubbing with the cousins, bonding with the little ones, great shopping and overall my best moment of 08. So of course, while I'm here I have to get an east coast friend...I mean I wouldn't be me if I didn't...lol.
I exchanged the same number again...lol...with what seems to be the neighborhood jump-off. Knowingly I gave the number first...then changed my mind...did the disappearing act routine...DENIED DENIED DENIED...asked questions last night...and told it ain't no fun. Now I know me and my girls each have tagged one of our "friends" as the jump-off and told each other it ain't no fun. But when we say that, do we really mean it. Like if I were to pass a dude around, honestly, I wouldn't mind if one of my girls decided to take advantage of the skills I joked, laughed and bragged about. But then again would my true girls cross that line? Even if I gave them my blessing? Or would I feel betrayed and disrespected at the sight of one of my girls with a "used to be" of mine? I don't know because as much as I've said it or heard it, no one has actually done it...well...that I know about...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

ERICA...

I guess I haven't mentioned that the dude I walked out on at Starbucks called me a couple of weeks ago and not knowing it was him, I answered the phone. I decided to give him another chance out of boredom and slight curiosity...that's what I get. Originally, we made plans for dinner on a Thursday but he didn't call me when he said he would so I made other dinner plans with my best friend and enjoyed her missed company. He ended up calling so I made up some bs excuse and went to his house after dinner instead. His house is "the house"...meaning it's a nonstop party Thursday-Sunday there. I mean that was coo to me in high school and college but with a 32 yr old man, I would think things would have changed since college. What female wants to go to her man's house and be met with his drunk homies, the jump-offs and chauvinistic talk? So 5 years ago. I will admit, I did participate in the discussions about male-female interactions because I think a lot of his friends' attitudes toward women were somewhat jaded and prehistoric...surprise surprise. But in that environment, he was actually coo...I guess because he was in his element. So when he told me he cancelled our dinner reservations at Crustaceans...so tasty...I decided to reschedule with him for that Saturday.
When Saturday came, I looked too fly...skinny jeans, Michael Kors heels...thanx Nae....and a cute long sleeved shirt. We went to Crustaceans, as planned, followed by drinks and pool with one of his boys and his girl. Honestly, I had a good time...he didn't do or say anything that offended me or showed his insecurities. So it wasn't a big deal when he asked me to come back that next Wednesday to watch the Lakers game. First, we went to one of his boys house aka the trap house to get THAT...he got upset because of all the attention I was getting from damn near every dude in the room...which doesn't mean anything because they all looked like they belonged at the bottom of my shoe. Blah blah blah....basically he started disrespecting me after that...or hating on me...however you look at it. When the night was all said and done, I left it like that...meaning I haven't answered my phone for him since that night I saw him...why waste my time when I'm clearly not feeling him and any positive feelings I had toward him went out the window when he started trying to be like me...needless to say...ERICA...if you do what you claim you do...you wouldn't be still calling and texting me with that simp sh*t...

Yes I'm Alive...

It can be so hard to control and contain emotions at times. I have the worst habit of letting the ex-factor get the best of my emotions...to the point where my actions and words feel thunderous...if that makes any sense. Meaning there's so much thunder and fire behind everything I say and anything I do that I feel pushed to the limit and it can be a dangerous thing for me and the other person. Its like I get backed into a corner and the only thing I can think to do is throw blows and fight my way out. I can't stand being put into that position...I hate being confined and locked up unless it's my choice.
One of my girls came thru last night...she needed to get away from her situation and she was my escape from my situation. Instead of talking each other's ear off with bs relationship talk, we focused on doing us...the best kinda of conversation...

Friday, December 12, 2008

Too Hot Too Handle


I don't think there's any other explanation except that I'm just too hot too handle...how else can it be explained. Me personally, I think confidence is very sexy in a potential man...and I thought most men felt the same toward women. Maybe it's just that confident, SECURE men find confident secure women attractive...that's all that is.
I have an issue with dudes that think they can talk to you greasy and think you're not about to talk to them that same way...I have a mouth on me...any man come at me like that, I'm coming back at him the same way or in most cases even harder...to the point where my words get met with fists, flatirons and lighters. It doesn't matter though...I'll be damned if I let these dudes silence me and think they can pull me into ancient times when women were barefoot and in the kitchen...not me...I expect a home cooked meal when I get off work...with a hot bubble bath waiting...don't expect from me what you refused to put in.
Note to Him: She's back...you hoped you would never see her again...you prayed you would never hear her again...but here she is...not in your face...not in your SPACE...but ready to ride for hers if need be...lost the battle a year ago...but came back stronger and more determined...here physically...but been gone mentally...and go back and forth emotionally...mad because I change my mind all the time...why...I can do that...that's me...I can want a breakfast burrito...so good...one minute and change my mind five minutes later...why you mad...who cares...that's me...you once changed me...hell I changed me...but she's back...has been back and is gonna keep saying what I say...doing what I do...so stop...please stop hating me because you ain't she...

I Can't Tell...

I can' t tell if I'm being overly sensitive or if these dudes really just have their nerve. I was just told by the ex-factor that he likes making me mad because he knows exactly what to do to get me without fail...ok got you...so then my response was so you don't give a damn about me then, right...because why would you want to see me upset or purposely hurt my feelings. His response...I care about your feelings...my response...you just said you don't give a sh*t about my feelings because you purposely hurt them...blah blah blah...this n*gga started talking about bitches...I jumped out of the conversation after that. He's always so quick to point out my flaws, my shortcomings and my mistakes but can't for the life of him accept or admit when he is wrong...not a man yet but that's another post. And then on top of that he feels the need to "outsmart" me...meaning...he feels he needs to prove he's just as smart as me by challenging my opinions or my ideas when in reality the idiot ends up saying the same thing I said...he just puts it in laments terms...dumb ass. And then he has a nerve to tell me not to battle him in an argument, discussion or debate because I'll lose everytime...lmao...now that would mean something if we debated anything worth debating or if he didn't sound like he was trying to sound intelligent but isn't quite there because he's using words out of context...I'll tell you about these insecure ass n*ggas. It's not just him...it's like most of the ones I come into contact with...I like meet the same kind of dude...even if their not trying to holla. They all feel like they need to prove their on my level intellectually...because I went to college and they didn't...which doesn't mean sh*t...because intelligent people do and don't go to college...and unintelligent people go to college and don't go to college...look at the president. Or they call me cocky and conceited...and feel the need to bring me down a couple of notches...it's as if they hate me because they ain't me...but I'm like you're a dude...aren't you supposed to want to get with me not be like me? Wouldn't that make you kinda feminine? I don't know...I can't tell...

Saturday, November 29, 2008

I Love You

Why is the word "love" tossed around like a jump-off in a room full of the homies? Why do people use "love and "sex" like they're interchangeable? Why is love used in vain so much, it's lost its meaning like "pretty" and "beautiful"? Why do these dudes think by them saying that sacred word, it will make someone like me drop to my knees or bend over? That type of talk always made a female like me run, duck and hide...especially when I know its bs and believe me, it's all been a bunch of bs. The first time my ex told me he loved me, he made sure we were both inebriated before he said those words. And me being me shut him down instantly with "no you don't", "how can you love me and you don't know me" and my personal favorite "I don't love them hoes." But that still didn't stop him from telling me on several different occasions and me finally reciprocating it months later when I was about to reach that climatic point. I will admit, he was my first love, the first I ever gave myself to on all levels. He ended up breaking my heart with his lies and his insecurities but that's whole other post. I'm just tired of hearing dudes tell me or one of my girls that they love us when its clear that they don't. As cliche as it is actions do speak louder than words so if you're telling me you love me but you steady creeping, then the only one really getting any loving is him which means no love for me. Don't tell me, you love me if you don't...don't even say the word around me because it's really just a turn off. Say what you mean and mean what you say...

Staying Connected

I've been trying to give me 100% of me these last couple of weeks since I've been neglecting who's most important in my life...me. I started by reconnecting with an old friend that I cut off after a misunderstanding due to him. Basically, I felt like he was doing me like I was just the average...and I'm too fly to be average...so he got my vm for like 3 months before I finally answered for him again. We talked and went to the movies...like old times...trying to forget about the last couple of months. See we first met a couple of years ago and had nothing but disdain for one another. But an island trip with friends last year had me feeling him in a whole new way. It was one of those things where I liked him but I didn't want him or to be with him...not to mention we both had someone else back at home. So we kept our new found friendship as just that...a friendship...well except for when I first broke up with my boo in July...I kissed him at the bar when we were out with friends...sh*t why not...I was single and feeling myself after 3 drinks. It's been good talking to him about everything that's going on with me since I've still been avoiding my other male friend, that was like the therapist I never had, after that night at his house not too long ago. But I guess I have to go get decent for my company...my ex...

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Summer Fling

Background: I went on a cruise this summer to the Virgin Islands with my family...so much fun...and I met a friend. I had a boyfriend at the time, but I was single on that trip...you know what it is...and I got a friend in the club like the 3rd night. He reminded me of Rico Suave...the complete opposite of my type...but he had that greenery that we had been deprived of since we were at sea so it was on. My cousin and myself went back to his room with him that night and indulged on his balcony, listening to the ocean...we had to use him for those purposes the next couple of nights...and I thought he was hella coo so it was a win win situation or so I thought. By the 3rd day of meeting and interacting with him, I realized that he talked way too much about nothing and he was getting on my nerves. Not to mention I had made the mistake of meeting him at the club one night...he bought myself and my cousins 2 bottles and multiple shots of Patron...I danced with him and put it on him like he was my man on the dance floor...I had other dudes coming up to me asking if we were together...I danced with some other dudes almost the same way...he got jealous every time a dude would talk to me...my mistake I allowed him to think I was his. He saw me talking to this dude that was trying to holla and told my cousin he felt disrespected and he didn't want me talking to any other dudes...apparently he was hella sick because I talked to a couple of dudes for too long. And when my cousin pulled me to the side and told me, I didn't give a damn if he was mad...I wasn't attached to anyone (on the boat) and as far as I was concerned I could do me except for kiss, f*ck or cheat. So I stroked his ego without making it seem like I was submitting to him...it worked...his insecurities stopped showing so much. As the last couple of days approached us, he got a little closer. He came with me to take my 5 cousins to the pool and stayed out there with me all day...it was a bonus he got to see me in my bikini. But we did get hella coo so the last night I gave him my number...we talked the first couple of weeks after it was over but 98% of our conversations were about the cruise and how he wished we could go back so he could be with me...blah blah blah. I started catching him up in lies and his slight obsession with me started making me nauseous...that's when I knew I couldn't talk to him again.

Well, I think like a month and a half went by without any contact from each other so I assumed he had lost my number or lost interest but no this dude called me at 1:30 am...I didn't answer...left a message...called back an hour later...I didn't answer...left another message. When I finally checked them, he sounded thirsty as ever and anxious to hear my voice. You would think I put something vicious on that boy the way he's been calling and cupcaking to my vm...I wish I could post the vms for all to hear...then you would really feel me...lol...next time

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Born With a Penis But Smells Like a P*ssy


I've been wondering for a long time why players, from the other team, smell fishier than me. Meaning, why am I wearing the pants while they're wearing the pads? I thought I was supposed to be the emotional, hormonal, moody one but it's the other way around regularly. It's an epidemic that has quickly spread throughout the male race and it's continuing to spread without a cure. I can't even begin to tell you how many dudes I've come across that are "thugs" and "gangstas" in the streets but are bitches at home..now ain't that something.

Case and Point: Myself and my girl were chillaxing at her house, soaking our feet in foot spas, sipping on apple cider and eating our PF Changs takeout...a mini Diva Day...basically trying to catch up on everything we have missed in each other's lives the last 9 months. About 2 hours later, in walks her bd and his boy...great. Don't get me wrong, he's coo but to a certain extent. I knew as soon as he walked in the house, it was gonna be something...first since I was there, her attention wasn't going to be on him...second his boy was there so you know how that go...and third he's a hater. Less than 20 minutes of him being there...it started. He complained about the clothes not being washed, about her not cooking and of course about us taking up the living room...he couldn't be serious. He was doing the most...yelling, cussing, throwing sh*t and performing for me and his boy. Like me, she pretended like he didn't exist at that moment...I had heard the same bs at one time and I didn't want to hear it again. Of course, being ignored made him act even more like his obnoxious self. His final attempt failed miserably; he asked her to cook up a meal real quick...mind you...she's pregnant and the doctor told her to stay off her feet for the next couple of weeks. So because she refused, he started reading the script from Act V, scene ii...that "I run this, respect me, I'm the man" type crap. He got up in her face like she was a man about to get beat down. Instead, he just pushed her head back with his fingers...big mistake. He ended up catching a coo one to the jaw...I smell p*ssy, is that you B?


Sunday, November 9, 2008

I Don't Want None Tonight

And the story continues; So my ex of the last year came over around midnight. Now I know what you're thinking-aint nothing open that late but some legs-naturally. But the two of us kick it all the time, sex free, because for a minute we were the only friend each other had. For some reason, tonight or should I say this morning, he's getting on my nerves. Every single thing he's doing or does is irritating the hell out of me. It's at the point where I had to leave the room to get some space and just breath. He's the whole reason why I have an icebox and yet I'm still around him. I guess because I haven't let myself feel for him in a while so I'm thinking he would make a coo homeboy; you know one of the ones you text every once in a while and every blue moon you kick it...distant type homie. I developed a habit of laughing at all the bs instead of going bad and I mean BAD, which I once made my only option, dealing with him. Before it was all said and done, his touch used to make my skin crawl...that's when u know its a wrap...and his voice started making my skin crawl, that's why I had to get out of the room. It could just be because I'm sleepy and I turn into a straight bitch when I'm being deprived of my beauty sleep...

Saturday, November 8, 2008

So I Decided


To make up for my poor excuse for a date, I decided to spend some time with one of my close male friends. He's like the therapist, I never had. Our plan was to either go to the movies and see SAW V or go to Crustaceans for dinner after I met him at his house. When I got there, you can imagine the time we took to clown and discuss my date. I mean naturally we both had something to say about my taste in men, my poor choices in men and the power of the mancott...thanx Kris. By the middle of the conversation, my boots were in the middle of his bedroom and I was comfortablly sitting on his bed with a glass of White Zifandel in my hand. After 3 glasses, I started feeling a little dizzy. I have a habit of drinking on an empty stomach so why should today be any different. I stretched out on the bed and decided I wanted to eat, bump a movie. As I waited for him to get ready, my eyelids quickly started becoming heavy...I needed a power nap. Before I had a chance to really get into a good sleep, he walked into the bedroom dressed...damn I wanted a nap but good because I was starving. He got in the bed and layed next to me and started telling me how I needed a man that was going to hold me down, protect me, love me...blah blah blah...I tuned the rest of that sh*t out...I didn't want to hear yet again what I needed. He started gently rubbing my arm...I didn't stop him...he softly touched my chest and my stomach...I didn't stop him. He lifted up my dress and started licking my stomach...I didn't stop him...he slowly pulled down my tights and pushed my G to the side...I didn't stop him. Then he ate, licked, sucked, slurped and bit me like I was his last meal...I exploded about 3 times before I decided to stop him. I knew I didn't want to go any further with him... hell I didn't even want to go that far but it is what it is. Right when I opened my mouth to say something, his phone started ringing...saved by the bell. He got up to answer it and I quickly readjusted my panties and tights. He took the call in the other room and I put my shoes on, grabbed my purse and coat and got the hell out of there. I don't even want to begin to deal with that situation so you can imagine my phone has been off since.

Taking My Fabulousness Back

I've been feeling less than fabulous these last couple of months and it's been showing. I traded my summer dresses, sandals and platforms for sweats, hoodies and Uggs. There hasn't been any type of motivation to change my appearance until tonight. I met this guy about a week ago coming out of the store and when I say I looked a hot mess, I looked a damn hot mess. I had just finished washing my car so I had on wet jeans, a hoodie I had slept in the night before, cute sandals and to make it better I threw on gold NewNew's and "stunna" shades. Needless to say, I looked like I stank and I did...lol. But on my way out, this dude stopped me. Now, I'm used to being stopped by the opposite sex regularly but when I look busted and disgusted, I always think they're clownin...they gotta be...look how I'm looking. Against my better judgement, I gave him my number. Mind you, I haven't given my number out in over a year but at the moment I thought what the hell. So after text messaging sessions...don't advice to many of those... a couple of phone conversations and a missed lunch date we decided to get together for coffee followed by a dinner date. We met at a Starbucks, that was close to me, that way I could run home and change my clothes before dinner. You can imagine the amount of time I spent getting fabulous since I had to redeem myself from our first encounter. I wore a simple Black dress, black tights, flat black Steve Madden boots, a Guess pea coat, all gold jewelry and I pinned my hair up. Let's just say, I was looking like my old fabulous self again...what a waste!!! First, this fool is later than me and I was 30 minutes late...gave him a pass...then he bought me a White Chocolate Mocha...gave him a point...next he complimented my style...gave him a point...after he talked about himself nonstop...gave him a pass...soon after I flipped the conversation and focused on me and he did too...gave him half a point...right after he complimented my smile...gave him 2 points...I started talking about the economy and the election, he let me express my opinions without interrupting...gave him 3 points...he started talking about OUR future...no pass...he threw around commitment...no pass...he tried to hold my hand...no pass...he tried to touch my hair...no pass...he kept bringing up ex-girlfriends...no pass...he answered the phone for his boy...got a pass...he answered for his sister...got a pass...he answered about 3 times for his bm...no pass...finally he proceeded to tell me about his relationship with his bm or should I say permanent p*ssy and I left. I didn't make up a lame excuse to leave, I just left. When he got up to use the bathroom, I got up and got out of there. I don't know what he thought he was going to get from a coffee date but obviously more than I was willing to give...bottomline...Eric don't call me again.