New Beginning

I've kind of been in hiding since the new year. I just needed to take the time to reprioritize and readjust to my reality. First, the Lord took one person from me this year and allowed another to enter into the world...very theraputic and provided closure. I started looking at myself and those around me in a new light and gained a new perspective. I finally let the ex-factor be the ex-factor. No more late night creeps, home cooked meals or any other girlfriend privledges. It felt good to take all that away and save it for someone that's worth it. I think we'll be able to be friends at some point but for now I have to keep my distance to keep my sanity.

Last week my bf came over to spend some much needed time with me. Before we could really get too comfortable with each other, he decided he was going to help me clean my roommate free living room and downstairs bathroom. With him doing most of the work and me going thru two month old mail, I decided I would have to make this up to him. I invited him, my female best friend, my favorite cousin and his best friend to Sunday dinner for the following week. I actually owed the 3 of them (excluding my cousin) dinner since I flaked on our dinner date 16 months prior.

I cooked, cleaned and provided ambiance for my "dinner guests." We ate, went through 5 bottles of wine and conversed about every topic possible. It was exactly what we all needed...good food, good company and good conversation...what could be better...

What's Been Missing...

I felt like I had been searching for something that was just unattainable. It was such an empty feeling. And I tried my hardest to fill it with something anything...sex, drank, fire. I tried to surround myself with people so that I wouldn't feel...feel...alone. As soon as the ex-factor would leave, it was like I would no longer have any purpose...what was I supposed to do. So I made a suggestion to him and to myself...church. I mean I was raised in the church, raised to believe in God, sang in the children's choir for 6 years, attended Bible study, etc., etc. And as I got older and older, I lost that one connection that's most important in my life and I was in desperate need to get it back...
When I walked out of the sanctuary doors, it was as if I had been holding my breath under water for months and I finally came up for air...such a fresh breath of air. It felt like the whole lesson was directed at me...it sparked whatever in me needed to be sparked. I definitely had to make church a part of my weekly routine or at least continue to rebuild my relationship with the one above...

50% Single

So myself and the ex-factor technically broke up in September but nothing has really changed between us. It's like we're together but we're not. I think the actual title put too much pressure on both of us and all we seemed to do was fight. We thought "taking a break" and giving each other that much needed space would somehow make our "relationship" stronger. The only thing was he didn't want me with anyone else and I felt the same...but the point of a break is to branch out and talk to other people. So one of our guidelines was no physical contact with another person but making money moves was acceptable and very crucial. It seemed almost fair to start considering myself 50% single. And he actually liked the idea of it too until he was back to his old ways and all of sudden he just seemed single...

A Sexier Me

So I returned from my trip last night and was met at the door by the ex-factor, who for the time I'll refer to as DADDI...lol...after last night, he definitely earned and deserves the title. As soon as we saw each other we hugged and kissed like it had been 10 years since we've seen each other instead of 10 days. His shirtless body covered me like a blanket and had me smiling from ear to ear all night. It felt good to see him, touch him and feel him. It felt good to feel wanted, missed, loved and appreciated. This wasn't how I felt before I left.
We sat in our favorite spot in the house while we talked about my family, the east coast and what he had been up to as we indulged in 3 fat treats...lol. We kept looking at each other smiling, sneaking in a kiss or two as the other one talked and passed our treats back and forth. Before long, it was time to take it to the bedroom. As soon as I took off my clothes, with the exception of my panties, he was all over me; kissing me, licking me, holding me and overall loving me. This is what I had been waiting for. He tongued, caressed and sucked my body like I was quenching his thirst on a hot summer night. Of course, I returned the gesture like I was auditioning for the leading role in a Hustler porno...I was that good...wink wink. Next, I positioned myself over him and felt him melt into me...the perfect fit...lol. It was like the first time all over again...I was so in love. We continued like that into the mid am hours. We did take a couple of breaks for tacos, talks and tv but the more we talked, the more we had to have each other...its like we returned to each other different people, which never happens when I go away. We woke up this morning and picked up where we left off and filling whatever emptiness was felt when we were apart. It was difficult to let it come to an end so he could go to work but I did and made me a little more appetizing. I lit all the candles, took a long hot bubble bath, followed by a long hot shower, shaved my body from underarms to ankles, crimped my hair, plucked my eyebrows, manicured and pedicured my hands and feet, and cooked lobster tails, homemade mashed potatoes and broccoli. He put it down so good, I'm a have to cook his dinner everyday until he pisses me off...real talk. But he is about to see and get a sexier me tonight...and I can't wait...

It Ain't No Fun...

So I'm on the east coast for the Holidays visiting the fam. Its been hella coo; snow, 8 and 15 degree weather, a missed grandma, the best pizza and Chinese food, clubbing with the cousins, bonding with the little ones, great shopping and overall my best moment of 08. So of course, while I'm here I have to get an east coast friend...I mean I wouldn't be me if I didn't...lol.
I exchanged the same number again...lol...with what seems to be the neighborhood jump-off. Knowingly I gave the number first...then changed my mind...did the disappearing act routine...DENIED DENIED DENIED...asked questions last night...and told it ain't no fun. Now I know me and my girls each have tagged one of our "friends" as the jump-off and told each other it ain't no fun. But when we say that, do we really mean it. Like if I were to pass a dude around, honestly, I wouldn't mind if one of my girls decided to take advantage of the skills I joked, laughed and bragged about. But then again would my true girls cross that line? Even if I gave them my blessing? Or would I feel betrayed and disrespected at the sight of one of my girls with a "used to be" of mine? I don't know because as much as I've said it or heard it, no one has actually done it...well...that I know about...

ERICA...

I guess I haven't mentioned that the dude I walked out on at Starbucks called me a couple of weeks ago and not knowing it was him, I answered the phone. I decided to give him another chance out of boredom and slight curiosity...that's what I get. Originally, we made plans for dinner on a Thursday but he didn't call me when he said he would so I made other dinner plans with my best friend and enjoyed her missed company. He ended up calling so I made up some bs excuse and went to his house after dinner instead. His house is "the house"...meaning it's a nonstop party Thursday-Sunday there. I mean that was coo to me in high school and college but with a 32 yr old man, I would think things would have changed since college. What female wants to go to her man's house and be met with his drunk homies, the jump-offs and chauvinistic talk? So 5 years ago. I will admit, I did participate in the discussions about male-female interactions because I think a lot of his friends' attitudes toward women were somewhat jaded and prehistoric...surprise surprise. But in that environment, he was actually coo...I guess because he was in his element. So when he told me he cancelled our dinner reservations at Crustaceans...so tasty...I decided to reschedule with him for that Saturday.
When Saturday came, I looked too fly...skinny jeans, Michael Kors heels...thanx Nae....and a cute long sleeved shirt. We went to Crustaceans, as planned, followed by drinks and pool with one of his boys and his girl. Honestly, I had a good time...he didn't do or say anything that offended me or showed his insecurities. So it wasn't a big deal when he asked me to come back that next Wednesday to watch the Lakers game. First, we went to one of his boys house aka the trap house to get THAT...he got upset because of all the attention I was getting from damn near every dude in the room...which doesn't mean anything because they all looked like they belonged at the bottom of my shoe. Blah blah blah....basically he started disrespecting me after that...or hating on me...however you look at it. When the night was all said and done, I left it like that...meaning I haven't answered my phone for him since that night I saw him...why waste my time when I'm clearly not feeling him and any positive feelings I had toward him went out the window when he started trying to be like me...needless to say...ERICA...if you do what you claim you do...you wouldn't be still calling and texting me with that simp sh*t...

Yes I'm Alive...

It can be so hard to control and contain emotions at times. I have the worst habit of letting the ex-factor get the best of my emotions...to the point where my actions and words feel thunderous...if that makes any sense. Meaning there's so much thunder and fire behind everything I say and anything I do that I feel pushed to the limit and it can be a dangerous thing for me and the other person. Its like I get backed into a corner and the only thing I can think to do is throw blows and fight my way out. I can't stand being put into that position...I hate being confined and locked up unless it's my choice.
One of my girls came thru last night...she needed to get away from her situation and she was my escape from my situation. Instead of talking each other's ear off with bs relationship talk, we focused on doing us...the best kinda of conversation...